During our 16 week ultrasound we found out we were having a little girl. Shortly after, we also learned that she most likely had Down syndrome. Then we had to verbally tell our doctor that we did not want to terminate her
I don’t remember the drive home. When I got home I crumbled. I could barely walk, I couldn’t think past my emotions. I only knew and understood one thing: I am not terminating my daughter- I want her so badly and we tried so hard. Like most people, I have my own personal relationship with God with its ups and downs, some moments more faith-filled than others. On my knees I asked Him, Why me? Why my child? Those questions escalated into more of a “How dare you?” sort of tone. When my declarations to God were over – I decided to do some research.
I admit – the very first thing I did was Google pictures of people with Down Syndrome. Looking at some of the photos that popped up and reading about all the problems, especially reading the words, “mentally retarded”– I just…I ..just died inside. I felt like all the air in the world was gone, like someone was sitting on my chest. The world spun, and I couldn’t hang on- I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I was trapped in an unfamiliar part of my mind and I was clawing my way back to a reality I had once known but no longer existed. There was no way out, no escape, nothing but unbridled, uncontrollable terror.
I began grieving for the child I thought I was going to have, I grieved for myself. I grieved for the baby I was carrying. I grieved for 3 days. I cried for 3 days. Then the tears dried up and I ended my silent treatment toward God.
I remember sitting, holding my belly and praying to God to let her be okay, just let her be okay, please let her be okay. I sought refuge in my prayer and comfort in my husband.
Then I forgot all about it. (I really did). I continued on with my pregnancy without much thought toward her maybe having DS.
The day Lily was born was amazing. As we waited for the chromosome results, I would stare at her trying to decide if she ‘looked’ like she had Downs or not. Some moments yes, others no. I was sitting in the NICU when the team entered our room. Lily, asleep in my arms I, in mommy heaven. They confirmed she has Down syndrome. The tears slid down my face before I could stop them. This time though, it was different. This time I could look at my daughter, feel her, kiss her, breathe her in. I knew God had indeed answered my prayers, she was okay. Almost as soon as the tears began they ended. I no longer cared. I no longer feared. I just felt peaceful- I was a mommy. I had a little girl. She is perfect.